Just Shoot Me

 

This is the response I received from my brother referring to a comment I made at the end of an email where I offered some fine whine regarding my feelings about another delay in trying to get a satisfactory version of the book printed:

 

 

 

Re. Request to Be Shot

Dear Mr. Parker:

It has come to my attention that you recently requested to be shot.  I am sorry to inform you that due to the limitations of our equipment and the distance separating us, it will not be possible to fulfill your request.  In our current inventory, the farthest-ranged firearms would likely be one of the 8mm Mausers or perhaps the .303 British Enfield.  I am not sure of the maximum range of either, but I suspect it would not exceed three miles, which is well short of the approx. 275 mile, straight-line distance between our two locations.  Accuracy at either rifle's maximum range would be very questionable as well, although that is a moot point in this circumstance.

Furthermore, there appears to be no firearm or artillery piece in history that would be capable of what you ask.  The farthest-ranged artillery piece that our office is aware of would be the German 28 centimeter smoothbore Kanone used in WWII, which had a maximum range of approx. 90 miles.  While quite phenomenal, even that performance would have the round impacting well short of your location.  Once again, however, I must point out that this too is a moot point, as we have no German 28 centimeter canons in our inventory.

I would suggest that perhaps you might want to contact the Office of Medium to Long-Range Ballistic and Cruise Missiles to see what they might have to offer.  While being struck with a missile is not technically the same as being "shot", perhaps it would still meet your needs.  Accuracy of guided missiles is much superior to that of small arms or artillery rounds at long range, as well.  If you were to provide them with the exact GPS co-ordinates of your residence, I think it is quite possible that a missile could then be delivered on target.

So once again, Mr. Parker, thank you for contacting our office with your request, and I am sorry that we couldn't be of more help to you.  If in the future you should have other requests to be shot within a shorter range, say out to 300 yards or so, please do not hesitate to contact us again.

 

- Neil Parker